Take nothing for granted

"When the first beam of sunshine strikes on African grassland every morning, all animals will wake up and strive to run its fastest to survive : predators have to outrun preys to hunt for life, and preys have to outrun predators to escape death... " I told Jeff that I would begin an article like this, when I found it perplexing that some Americans furiously resist globalization because, for one, cheap Chinese labors take "their" jobs.  "Why do Americans think that they deserve a better life than their Chinese peers if they cannot produce more at a lower cost?" I felt a bit angry.  As a privileged and spoiled species, humans often forget that all beings have to fight and compete for a living, or using the civilized wording, work hard for a living.  Survival is not supposed to be easy for anybody, any species.  Living only on what ancestors created can be a short-term privilege for humans, but surely a slow suicide after all.

Just finished watching a documentary on DVD "Nature's most amazing events" by Discovery Channel.  Most amazing and touching, indeed.  It includes three episodes : The Great Melt, The Great Salmon Run, and The Great Migration.  The first in Arctic, second in Northern Pacific (British Columbia and Alaska), and the last in East Africa.

East Africa, Serengeti, the short-grass plains attract 3 million of grazing animals to migrate in December and out in May.  This herd of grazers, such as wildebeest, zebra, antelope, often stretching 25 miles long, travels for more than 1000 miles, following the rumbling storms to find fertile grassland to feed and calve.  During their journey, there are lurking threats everywhere from top predators such as lions, cheetah, crocodiles, who pretty much rely on the herd to survive and raise cubs.

You think it's cool to be a lion, no?  You'll be surprised that the king of animals actually suffers most and the survival rate of cubs is very low.  The movie followed the fortune of an Ndutu pride (i.e. a group of lions) for seven months from the dry season to the most prosperous one.  It is in fact appalling to witness the conditions those cubs were in during a dry season when there were few preys around. They were little more than skin and bones, waiting on the bare ground ravaged by fire and scorched by sun.  They got mange, and their skins were falling apart.  Some of them were limping.  There seemed to be little chance for them to survive.  The litter of 7 cubs dwindled to only 4, and then 2 in the end.  It was shocking.  And then they all disappeared.  When eventually the lioness and the surviving cubs marched into the horizon on the again-green grassland near the herd, I felt the triumphant excitement too, resonating the feeling of the cameraman - yes, they survived an eventful year of sickness, drought, fire, and volcanic eruption

At an equally stunning scale, every May to July, half a billion salmon will return home in British Columbia and Alaska, even Cali, after 4 years in sea, to lay eggs in fresh waters 2000 miles away!  I never imagined laying eggs would be a big deal for fishes.  Now I am filled with admiration.  Their journey is no less dramatic and arduous than described in one of the four greatest ancient Chinese literature "Journey to the West".  Long distance travel, upstream swimming, clearing the falls (like human jumping over a 4-story building); when it's too dry they get stuck in shallow water or stuck in a pool without able to move forward and, in turn, plague; when there's too much rain they have to battle strong torrents; as their kidney and other organs adjust to sudden change of water, they stop eating and even drinking., so they are eventually killed by the very water that draw them home, after swimming up stream and spawn; not to mention a full spectrum of coastal predators relying on Salmon Run to survive : grizzly bears, wolves, bald-headed eagles, steller sea lions, killer whales, salmon sharks, so on and so forth.  In the end the toll of this long journey is that for a thousand hatched, only 4 make it back to home.

A digression : why Pacific salmon take this epic run still remains a mystery.  Atlantic salmon come back to spawn every year and do not die after that.  Also how they find way home is largely unclear.  Only recently scientists found small particles of Iron in their brain, which are like compass and help it steer the magnetic lines of earth, showing them exactly where to go.

Salmon have to take such an ordeal to reproduce, well, it's definitely not easy for a grizzly bear to make it through either : half of the grizzly cubs do not even survive the first year.  Every year the grizzly will be hungry for more than half of the year, either hibernating or feeding on grass and berries.  By the end of the hunger, its head appears funnily sadly too big and body too small.

Every summer the Arctic will welcome many migrants who come to feed and reproduce, most of which travel more than 600 miles one way, such as Narwhal whales (a.k.a. the arctic unicorn, named after its strange spiral tusk, the most secretive and elusive animals in the world's oceans), Beluga whales, sea birds such as guillemot, etc.  Also there are locals such as polar bears and polar foxes.  The challenges that polar bears facing are well known.  Even for polar foxes, often 2 out of 8 cubs will get fatten enough from the abundance that a short summer can offer to survive the winter.

These are fascinating stories to learn.  What's more, I was reminded once again that nothing should be taken for granted, including survival.  One may argue that it's their instinct, nothing lofty.  True.  Food, shelter, survival, and reproduction are just an instinct.  But since when we lost our very basic instinct, and got reduced to a bitter and sour and cynic whiner?

Shan't we be quixotic?

Yesterday afternoon I was browsing videos on internet, in hope to understand the dismal economic situations, and bumped into this video clip from Bloomberg news.  It'd be just a normal one out of the hundreds, had I not noticed (perhaps only my own imagination?) the unnecessary and unprofessional, tricky smile on Margaret Brennan's face, 4:00 into the video, when Ron Paul was first mentioned.  Then Ron Paul's photo/video were pulled in.  Suddenly for the first time I connected Ron Paul with the image of Don Quixote, and Margret, one of the hottest and popular female news anchors in NYC, with the Duke and Duchess in Cervantes' fictional work, the arrogant high class who exploited Don Quixote's delusion for their own entertainment and cared little about their own honor.


I then came to realize that I could not be the first person to see this connection for Ron Paul, so I googled.  Right, I was far from being the first.  Media referred to his being "Quixotic" often in a somewhat derogatory manner; while some of Ron Paul's supporters proudly claimed that's a badge of honor, and they made a video out of Ron Paul's pictures with "the impossible dream", the song from the movie "Man of La Mancha".  


I absolutely love the term "quixotic" and proudly adore "quixotic" Ron Paul. 


Don Quixote was delusional.  But I doubt this mad man's story would have become one of the greatest literary fictions if the whole point is just that Quixote was delusional.  It is more the message than the man.  Honor, pursuit of dreams, protection of the weak, romance, justice, performing good deeds, persistence... Well, some Dukes and Duchess might not have interest in really learning what it is all about.  So be it.


Ron Paul is not delusional.  He is a brilliant human being who understands the real crisis this nation faces, and he sticks with his purely principled stance, albeit unpopular, being a sturdy flag for his followers.  


Do I agree with him on everything?  Still learning and debating myself, I cannot answer yet.  But I definitely like his views on issues such as sound money, non-aggressive foreign policy, free trade, etc.  But these aside, what I adore him most is his integrity and his being "quixotic".


He never minded casting the only one dissident vote in Congress.  He does not pick where and when and to whom he applies his philosophies.  He is utmost consistent.  He has been devoting to what he believes in, active on the front line fending off arrows and bullets to get the messages across.  BTW, he was a great medical doctor too having helped many in his community.


With such qualities, even if that person stands on the opposite side to myself, I will still respect him.


Before knowing of Ron Paul, I did not realize that I am actually a romantic heroic character too.  What is life to us?  A good education, then a decent salary, a spouse, a house, a couple of kids, and some vacations?  Is that all?  Might be, for some; might not be, for many others.  I adore people who do "silly" things to pursue passions, to chase after dreams - "silly" in forsaking the tangible comfort and/or pleasure.  Ron Paul is an excellent example.


I'd like to conclude with the lyrics of  "the Impossible Dream".  May we all be courageous, be true to ourselves, and living without regret - only so can we say it with a peaceful smile that "I lived" in the death bed.


It is the mission of each true knight...
His duty... nay, his privilege!
To dream the impossible dream,
To fight the unbeatable foe,
To bear with unbearable sorrow
To run where the brave dare not go;
To right the unrightable wrong.

To love, pure and chaste, from afar,
To try, when your arms are too weary,
To reach the unreachable star!

This is my Quest to follow that star,
No matter how hopeless, no matter how far,
To fight for the right
Without question or pause,
To be willing to march into hell
For a heavenly cause!

And I know, if I'll only be true
To this glorious Quest,
That my heart will lie peaceful and calm
When I'm laid to my rest.

And the world will be better for this,
That one man, scorned and covered with scars,
Still strove, with his last ounce of courage,
To reach the unreachable stars!

Bridesmaids, a worthy movie

Watched the movie this Monday.  It's not your typical comedy, definitely not a typical chick-flick.


Laughed, almost knocked out;  shed tears, touched by the friendship; tired, after such emotional roller coaster; and chewed it over when relaxed.


It's directed by the same person who did "40 year old virgin", "knocked up", and "superbad".  All very funny movies, but I think this movie being the most realistic and having the best substance, yet the fun came in totally unspoiled.


We probably all have acquaintances in life somewhat resembling Annie, Helen, and other ladies in the movie.


Annie, the protagonist, was failing everything in life : "I am in my 30s, I am 40,000 in debt, living with a weirdo (roommate)", in a non committal relationship although she was longing for a real one, lost her job, no friend, car accident, had to move back to live with her mother which was what she disliked.


With sympathy, I think she largely created the whole situation herself.


She had a job but she sabotaged it with her negative attitude.  She could have a good, honest relationship where she would be understood, respected, cherished, and her passion would be supported, but she was after the gorgeous guy despite being mistreated, and she was pretending like "I am ok, everything is ok" in the relationship.  She had a car accident which she could have avoided by simply having the taillights fixed, instead of blaming busy schedule, nemesis, and unfair life.


"Where there is a pathetic person there are scornful characters", as Chinese saying goes.  If one does not help oneself, does not put a lid on one's destructive emotions, one is doomed to misery even she/he if is a royal princess/prince.


Life knocks us around, which happens to everybody and is ok.  The difference is some get up and fight, and others give up and blame the world.  And that's the moment that separates the pros from the amateurs and the winner from the loser.  When Megan, the biggest and toughest bridesmaid, pushed Annie to fight back as Annie's dwelling miserably at her "bottom" in life, tears came in earnest for me.


And we surely see Helen's around as well.  They maintain a perfect facade (always well-kept looks, the most polite smile, socially adept), they are snobbish, yet with a fearful inside.  Eager for friendship, but do not know how other than trying to "buy" it with the ample resource they have : money and power.  To be honest, I still kind of liked Helen in the movie - good looks do have an advantage on me :-P, and she was not really doing much harm to anybody except being annoying in usurping Annie's duties as the maid of honor.


Other characters are interesting too such as the frustrated wife and mother who sees Lillian's wedding as an escape.  One interesting side aspect is how the movie depicts kids - it's definitely discouraging population growth. :)


I like this type of movies : funny on the surface, and have some substance for me to take away as well, just like my favorite movie "the groundhog day", which, by the way, still remains my favorite so far.

With men as a mirror

Emperor Taizong of Tang was the second emperor of the Tang Dynasty of China, ruling from 626 to 649 AD.  He is typically considered one of the greatest, if not the greatest, emperors in Chinese history. Throughout the rest of Chinese history, Emperor Taizong's reign was regarded as the exemplary model against which all other emperors were measured, and his "Reign of Zhenguan" was considered a golden age of Chinese history.
 

He had an advisor called Wei Zheng. Few men in history would be so frank and honest with their monarch.  When Wei Zheng died, Taizong was overwhelmed with grief.  The Emperor said to his ministers, "With a bronze mirror, one can see whether he is properly attired; with history as a mirror, one can understand the rise and fall of a nation; with men as a mirror, one can see whether he is right or wrong. Now I've lost my faithful mirror by the death of Wei Zheng".


This was a story most of Chinese learned from childhood.  I always find it amazing and inspiring.  I strive to take, as well as make, honest and frank comments.  As Chinese idiom goes: "good medicine tastes bitter; good advice sounds harsh", both taking and making honest comments require courage. 


Eugene has been a very supportive friend, but what I appreciate most is that he shares with me his honest opinions.  


On my blog post "defending competitiveness", he pointed out that for a few times I had my low back injured in tennis games due to my "competitiveness", which was unnecessary. He said sometimes I could be stubborn.  Hmm... have to say that he has a good point :-)


On another post about my friend Y, he praised my standpoint that one should still have one's own life after marriage/children.  But he warned me not to walk to another extremity.  Couples should create chances to participate each other's growth and emotions.  I think what he said is spot on.  Come to think about it, at times I probably overly demand myself to be strong and independent.  I could seem so self-contained that I do not need anybody else in my life, which might be misleading. And "create chances to participate" - what a wonderful piece of advice!  Total dependence is not desirable in a relationship, nor total independence.  We shall work towards a dynamic interdependence, where each party's truth is recognized and all are woven together.


On a separate note.  Another friend Nishant, in a recent group discussion, stressed the importance for kids to be trained to do homework.  He said even though homework itself might not be necessary for kids to do well in exams, especially for smart kids, it's a important training for kids to stay focused.  Smart kids might be able to get by when things are easy.  However sooner or later things will become difficult and one would not achieve much if he/she could not stay focused.  I was impressed by his viewpoint and confessed, painfully, that it was my personal lesson.  I have been struggling with staying focused ever since the beginning of my career after getting by for 20 years in school.  Short attention span is like a stubborn disease, worsened today by the easy access of smart phones and internet.  I guess I will have to fight a hard battle.


And, there is Jimmy who often points out my non-PC wording to avoid me offending others.  There is Yan who re-enforces my tender heart besides a critical mind.  There are Jeff and Steve who have such unique insights on many subjects that often stun me and enrich me.  


My appreciation is beyond words.  Salute!

Measure of life (V) - wisdom vs. intelligence and knowledge

This subject is a necessary digression for my story telling.

I searched for a good explanation on this, but was disappointed.  So here comes my own definitions and comparisons -

Knowledge is collected information.

Intelligence is an ability to understand, reason, think, and solve problems.

Wisdom is distilled knowledge that one obtains by properly processing amassed raw knowledge (and often necessarily experience, if that is not counted as knowledge) using intelligence.  And yet, the outcome of wisdom is not guaranteed.  Wisdom enables one to discern, or judge, what is right and wrong, good and bad, and subsequently make sensible decisions.

Let me put it this way : if one wants wisdom, the distilled beverage, one has to have knowledge and experience as grain/fruit, intelligence as the brewing kit, a pursuing heart as the willing brewer.  And we all know eventually wines differ significantly in terms of color, smell, body, acidity, tannin, etc.  Some wine sells at $5 per bottle, and others $3,000 per bottle.

As a nerd, I will conclude this way : wisdom = knowledge + experience + intelligence + a pursuing heart + epsilon the random factor.

There is life wisdom, human wisdom, engineering wisdom, finance wisdom, and so on.  As this thesis is about life, I will only speak of life wisdom.

Here I have a beautiful case that exemplifies the relation:

“Can anyone who has heard this music [Beethoven's Appasionata], I mean truly heard it, really be a bad person?” -from the movie the lives of others (2006)

Yes, what's the use to know all the background information of every music masterpiece yet have no emotional response while immersing in one? What's the use to memorize all the Buddhism scripts yet lose temper when getting elbowed accidentally on subway?  What's the use of being a vegetarian allegedly out of the mercy towards every sentient being yet keep lying to loved ones? And, what's the use to possess the knowledge of the entire universe, yet find no joy in life?

I think gaining wisdom for any individual is as instrumental as the invention of tools for the evolution of human beings.  Joy is the fountainhead of life, of production, and wisdom opens up and unclogs the channels for the vitality to spread into every aspect of one's life.

Measure of life (IV) - ignorance can be bliss

When I was born, ten years of Chinese Culture Revolution just ended. China was pretty much at the brink of getting rotten. Most commoners literally were living next to nothing. I grew up with very limited material and intellectual resources, despite the fact that I was the only child in the family. I was ignorant, without a doubt, and I was a happy kid. I was happy because I was doing well in school. I was happy that I could help my parents with house work so they could do less. I was happy that we were doing better than many of our neighbors because my parents are very smart and hardworking. I do not remember anything that really bothered me: no toys, no books, no cute dresses, not knowing anything about the big world - hey, I did not know why I needed those, or perhaps I even did not know the existence of those, so I was not bothered. How lucky I was to be ignorant under that circumstance! Ignorance is bliss, indeed.  

With me continuously doing well in school, not surprisingly I kept walking into a bigger and bigger world. Nothing was planned, because I did not have the necessary vision to plan anything this "grand", nor did my parents. Again, ignorance is bliss - Without either my parents or myself or anybody in the world expecting me to achieve much, I never had much of a pressure, but only constantly reap pleasant surprises that I actually could do better.  

Luckily that I grew up in China where schools actually value academic performance, and I did not need to dodge flying daggers such as drugs, bullies, teen sex, racial / background discrimination, so on and so forth. To be honest, I was not even aware of those prevalent school issues in US until not too long ago. Call me ignorant. And I am happy I was.

Because I was a good kid, I was always appointed/elected a major student leader. Starting from very early on I was given the opportunities to (oh that's too rosy a description - I confess many times "was pushed to" suits the reality better) deliver a speech in front of the whole school, to command group exercises, to participate debate teams, to run a school broadcast station, to run a student government, to make up rules, to pull together a basketball team and a soccer team out of the only 11 girls in my class,... so I did not become a typical nerd.  

At the same time, I enjoyed good relationship with many people, and I helped many with my wide-spread connections. More importantly, I have always been satisfied with myself that I have been ethical, honest, and generous. In terms of money, I am rarely concerned. With my upbringing, I know I do not need much to survive and I do not need luxury although that is good to have; with my competency, I never worry that I would not be able to make a living.  The fore-mentioned three conditions, I think, are pivotal in determining most people's happiness level. Well, sometimes I did lament that I was not as pretty as I desired.  However, I often had admirers who were either the most handsome and/or the most competent, so with that little vanity as compensation, it was easy to shrug off my dissatisfaction with my looks, not to even mention that I actually was not enthusiastic at all about dating until really late.

My friend Y, when discussing happiness, said that "it's delta that matters, not the absolute value". Delta, is a mathematical jargon, means difference. In this context, there is delta between reality and expectation, delta between now and before, and delta between one and one's neighbors. I agree, that's a fact for many people, and many times, that's also the very fact that put us into the abyss of unhappiness, which will be elaborated in later chapters.

Nonetheless, I was pumped quite high in spirit by all three deltas : I was doing better than my expectation, I was doing better every day than the previous day, and as far as my then limited world spaned, I was doing better than most of my peers.

With me going through one of the best high schools and one of the best universities in China, it's a bit surprising that all the intellectual pain attacks pretty much shunned clear by at least a 3-mile radius from me, although I read and felt "blue" sometimes. Not a single reason occurred to me to cause serious unhappiness. I, today, do not know what to comment on that. Yes, that was ignorant happiness existing on the fact that I did not know more. But honestly I doubt I would beg to alter such a nice and easy period, to suffer more in order to deepen and enrich myself. If, if there were if's in life, that could last forever, I would no doubt be a princess in the fairy tale of "living happily every after".

However, nature has its own way to unfold things, and perhaps we humans are genetically wired to break fairy tales of that sort.

Measure of life (III) - is ignorance bliss?

What is ignorant happiness?

Without knowing the truth (truth is often complicated and less than beautiful), one is less bothered by the imperfect realities, one has less desire for more, or one can fabricate any fantasy to serve one's ends, hence easier to be happy.  Just like most children.

Intelligence = counter-happiness?

For that reason, many people, for example Lisa Simpson, concluded that “As intelligence goes up, happiness goes down. See, I made a graph. I make lots of graphs.” [The Simpsons, episode 257]

When I had a chat with my boss as I suffered the "intermittent intellectual pain attack", he admitted that he could reckon.  When I mentioned Noam Chomsky for some reason, he commented that "how painful the life must be for intellectuals such as Noam Chomsky and Bernard Russell".  At that moment I could not help empathizing with their deep-to-marrow sort of pain - although today I would be wary of this kind of generalization.

Out of sheer intellectual curiosity, I interviewed quite a few people.  It seems to me people are more or less confused.  On one hand, it does appear that those who do not know as much look happier.  But on the other hand, all that I talked to would choose to know more, if there is such an option.  If happiness is what we are after as a major character for a "good" life, and knowing more seems to destroy happiness or at least reduce it, then why, oh why, we want to drive ourselves into a less "good" life?!  Are we all masochists?!  Oh, how can I pass on such an interesting dilemma without delving into it.  So delve deep I did and hence this writing.

I will neither argue for, nor argue against that view point, because I think intelligence is not the very relevant variable here on this chart.  Rather, wisdom should take its place.  I am pretty confident that wisdom (if it can be measured properly) is a statistically significant factor, and the curve then will flip - flip around x axis or y axis still depends on my further research ;-) .  Intelligence and wisdom sound like twins, but I do not think so.

So the motif of my thesis is : wisdom is bliss.  Ignorance can be bliss, only when people are ignorant of their ignorance, which sometimes is indeed a blissful thing; wisdom, which differs from intelligence, leads to more mindful and sustainable happiness, and that requires skills to manage, hence I call it "skillful happiness".  And anything in between could put one on a big swing : one day in heaven and the next in hell, and that is often completely at the mercy of the God.

Measure of life (II) - two regimes

Joy, or happiness, has often been the common character of a "good" life, no matter to ancient Egyptians, or to Aristotle, or to probably most of us.

For thousands of years, countless many people have been pondering on this word, have been searching beyond and within for it, have been exerting trial-and-error efforts to understand it, and yet here we are, today, still baffled and battered every now and then.

Reading the ethics chapter of any philosophy book will give you a good summary of the views from many great minds, hence I just want to share something personal.

I am one of the happier gals, the fact of which, I believe, will be nodded at by most people around me.  In the domain of happiness, my days so far can be divided into two major regimes : "ignorant happiness" (or "blind happiness"), and "skillful happiness".

Accidently, coming to America 10 years ago denotes the watershed between those two regimes.  Don't get me wrong.  It's not like there are monsters and wolves in US.  If I am asked of a question that "what is the best thing that has ever happened to you", my answer, without hesitation, will be "come to America".  I think it's that dramatic change of environment catalyzed a quake that shattered the unsound foundation of my spiritual world.  And I am 120% glad that it happened that way instead of paining me through a slow death.  About 1.5 years ago, I started to have this delightful feeling that finally a butterfly had morphed successfully from a caterpillar, or that a phoenix had risen from ashes... I could smell spring everyday, and I had never been that live - not because I did something majestic or became a big shot, but because I felt I found, not without pain, joy, and the path leading to it - this time it's a different kind of joy, more mindful, more sustainable, and more sophisticated.  It has been a profound and life-changing experience.

Measure of life (I) - preface

I am certainly not claiming I under measure of life, and I am perfectly aware that different people adopt different measure, which is, and should be, everybody's freedom as long as one does not infringe others' rights. And I have no interest in judging what is better, but to share my two cents and perhaps to get some echos as well as different voices from generous readers.


“You know, the ancient Egyptians had a beautiful belief about death. When their souls got to the entrance to heaven, the guards asked two questions.  Their answers determined whether they were able to enter or not. ‘Have you found joy in your life?’, and 'Has your life brought joy to others?’”
                                                                               - from the movie <Bucket List>


I quite like it.


Searching for the purpose of life and finding means to better one's (and others') life probably have puzzled many aspiring and curious minds, including mine.  And I think it's a lifetime project, also a fun and intellectually stimulating project.  At least for now,  I think these two questions from ancient Egyptian culture seem quite spot-on.  And inspired by that, I will venture on writing about my experiences and views on this topic.

Defending "competitiveness"

For no particular reason, this topic of competitiveness came into my mind.  I remember during the past several years I was commented as being competitive for a few times, at a pingpong game, or a pool game, or a tennis game, or a video game, or even a push-up race... and 100% time it's a man who made such a comment.  I suppose when a man said that to me, it's not the most pleasant feeling he wanted to share with me.  I am actually a bit confused why I was called competitive to begin with, and then what is wrong if I try my best to win a game.

I checked the dictionary just now, and the relevant definition for competitiveness is
Liking competition or inclined to compete

To be honest, when it comes to tennis or pingpong, I have rarely favored a competitive game over a non-competitive one, simply because I can enjoy so much better by hitting freely without running around too much to exhaust myself.  Almost always I got involved in a competitive game passively.  Well, other games, such as pool, or board game, simply cannot be played collaboratively.  Therefore, I do not understand why I can be called competitive to begin with.

Must be because I like to give all I have to play a game then.  True that I make sure I play with my best.  That is not about winding up on top, nor about eliminating the opponent, but about to be the best one can be.  Besides, I think it also shows my respect to the opponent (who enjoys being patronized, or, playing with an absent-minded opponent?); what's more, I think it's the only way to make the game more fun, and make the time spent worthwhile (is there anybody who enjoys playing/watching a tennis game where most of time is spent on picking up balls, or, where one player completely crushes the other?).  But I never hold grudge if I lose, and always sincerely congratulate my opponent if he wins, and almost never miss a chance to praise any of his good shot/move.  I will appear disappointed if I have a bad shot/move, but even if I play golf alone, or if I cannot master a piece of music on piano, or cannot program a function beautifully at work, I will have the exactly same reaction - I will be disappointed and gather more of my energy and intelligence next round or next half an hour.

If I am interested in certain games, I do not only play my best when there is a competition, I also practice when I can.  One time in our group outing, I was practicing pool shots on my own while most others were bowling.  One coworker said "wow, Juhua is competitive".  My boss Peter defended me right there "it's not that Juhua wants to win, she wants to play better to enjoy the game more".  It feels good to be understood, doesn't it?!  By now, I still suck in shooting pool, which means I am often defeated although sometimes I have dumb luck, but I am always keen to play, I enjoy it, and I play with my full attention and enthusiasm.  When my opponent is superior, I ask for tips and coaching, and I do feel concerned that the game might bore him, which motivates me to be better at it.

If giving one's best is called "competitive" - hail competitiveness!!

Since my childhood I have been adopting this Chinese saying as one of my life philosophy : man proposes and god disposes; In other words, we shall try our best, then hope for the best, and ready for the worst, with peace.  Especially after my Buddhism study these years, I view clinging to the outcome, positive or negative, is a self-defeating behavior (more on this topic in my future Buddhism posts).

However, to me, there are two kinds of failures : one is after trying all one can, and another is after little action or half-hearted action.  I would accept the former with serenity, the latter with regret, even though I do not want to dwell on results in either case.

When it comes to a game, I care enough to play my best, and I am fit enough to accept a loss with serenity.  When it comes to life, I strive to be the best that I can and try not to be too attached to the outcome.

Living this philosophy for most of my life, I am delighted that I have been competent (which feels good, by the way), with plenty of joy and enthusiasm.  I believe competition, and more precisely, the efforts made to win the competition, propel an individual, a team, a company, an industry, a society, and the entire human advance, while collective wimpiness and non-competitiveness stale a community, and reduce an individual to mediocrity.  I hope "to keep the fingers crossed" is not the only resort one has when confronted with a challenge.

Buddhism in my eyes (II) - karma

Karma, on wiki page, is explained like this :

Karma is a concept in Hinduism which explains causality through a system where beneficial effects are derived from past beneficial actions and harmful effects from past harmful actions, creating a system of actions and reactions throughout a soul's reincarnated lives forming a cycle of rebirth.

From my perspective, karma is NOT a universal reward-punishment system maintained by some clairvoyant and omnipotent high power, nor is it a personal balance sheet where one's debit and credit is tracked.

Karma, in Hinduism, literally means "action" or "deed".  When we take actions (including intangible actions such as thinking/emotions etc), we are, in the mean time, not only creating effects, but also creating an environment and, in turn, future.  The outcome of it, might seem random at times, but statistically, it's probably significantly predictable.

A digression.  The positive take from it, I think, is as what Gandhi said to "be the change you want to see in the world".  A fairy tale goes like this : one person feels very frustrated that wherever he goes it rains, and later on it turns out that he is the rain God.  In real life, we see people complaining that wherever he goes he has a bad boss and unfriendly peers.  We see people always dating somebody who are abusive.  I think when we feel the whole world is wrong, or same thing goes wrong all the time, chances are that we are the very cause that's sabotaging our own world.

OK, back to Karma.  Quote Joe, my favorite teacher in Shambhala meditation center : "karma does not mean to punish you, but to give you a chance to understand others and empathize".

Many of us tend to be judgmental, including myself.  When we perceive differences (between oneself and the target, or between one's ideal standards and the target's behavior), the easiest thing to do is to pass judgments and appear to be technically or morally superior.  I personally did not stop committing that sin until karma put me under circumstances where I used to judge others.  At this moment, I am reminded of what Yan once told me "he/she is no more, nor less" (than yourself).

Buddhism in my eyes (I) - religion?

I have only touched the most superficial level of Buddhism, yet I have been impressed deeply by the profoundness and merciful nature of it.  At the same time I also observed many misunderstandings around, which I hope to briefly discuss.  I am certainly no expert yet.

I personally do not think Buddhism is a religion (well, religion is hard to define. Clifford Geertz simply called it a "cultural system". But I think religion has a superhuman element), but a philosophy, because Buddhism is non-theist and non-metaphysical.  And even though it is no doubt a philosophy, Buddhism is much less concerned with moral and ethics, but with wisdom - not the wisdom to leave behind the material world, but the wisdom to see how we are habitually clinging to the impermanent phenomena.

Buddha was not super-natural, nor super human, nor God, but a prince who got enlightened under the Bodhi Tree, i.e. he came to understand the essence of life and suffering and became enthusiastic about spreading his philosophy in hope to mitigate/rid suffering of humans.

Buddhism teaching intends to reveal to people the innate Buddha nature of oneself and one only needs to discover it by dusting it off.  Buddhism does not worship Gods.  Buddha himself said "worship nobody but the wisdom he teaches".  Buddhists are encouraged to respect teachers (Buddha), because that is good karma (I will discuss karma next).

Buddhism is not institutionalized, which is the way many other major religions adopt.  One does not have to carry out a number of rituals or follow many rules or pay an annual fee to become a member of the club.  One does not need to swear allegiance and exclusivity to the club either.  One only needs to believe in the four seals (to be discussed later) to be a Buddhist.  Also, you probably have never seen anybody on the streets or in a subway station giving out pamphlets to try to convert you into a Buddhist.  And you probably have not heard of any war that was initiated by Buddhists in the name of Buddha or justice, nor to purge different point of views.