A friend, Y

Y is a friend at work. 

Most of our features are opposite: I am crazy about sweets but she is not interested, I finally can have my voice to be not too loud in public after being conscious for 2 years and she is trying all she can to increase her voice at a group meeting, we like completely different styles when it comes to fashion...

Yet, we get awfully well along with each other.  Sometimes I joke that Y is my soulmate.  What makes her a "soulmate" of mine?

First she is a fun person.  This is probably not obvious to those who do not get close to her because she appears to be very quiet and sedentary.  She is intellectual,  especially compared to most other females that I know.  She knows a lot of subjects and can carry out a information- or opinion- stuffed conversation.  She is fond of learning new things including new gadgets and new games.  She is actively improving herself although many times the goal is only to entertain herself.  For me, it's fun to spend time with such kind of people.

Second we have good communication: one talks, the other listens, no judgement.  We do not often have the luxury of chatting for long because most of the time we have together is at work.  So our chat only goes lengthy when there is actually such a need.  By now, she probably knows more "skeletons in my closet" than anybody else, but I feel her respect to me has not been dented at all.  I probably know of her share of problems in life than of others', yet I think she is one of the most beautiful person that I've ever known of.  It's her who taught me "he/she is no more, nor less" (than myself).  With empathy and mercy, we provide each other a place to share and shed stress.

“Oh, the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all out, just as they are, chaff and grain together, certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and with a breath of kindness blow the rest away.”  (by Dinah Craik, A Life for a Life, 1859)

Third, she thinks, and she is kind and ethical.  It's important to have both together to avoid being either a push-over or a world-destroyer.

Fourth, Y is independent with a complete "self".  Unlike many people who live for others, she has not lost her own pursuits, not even to her child.  Having a family with a kid, she still cares about how she looks, cares about her own happiness that is not based on anybody else.  Not to comment what is better, I am only saying I like it.  I believe one is not defined by anything external, including her own kids.

What's more, despite the fragile look she possesses, she is in fact strong, smart, and efficient.  Many times, I am shamefully the opposite :-P.

A friend, whom I do not spend much time with, yet magically feel close to and trust, who encourages me, corrects me, and sometimes enlightens me, whose company I utterly enjoy.

Buddhism in my eyes (II) - karma

Karma, on wiki page, is explained like this :

Karma is a concept in Hinduism which explains causality through a system where beneficial effects are derived from past beneficial actions and harmful effects from past harmful actions, creating a system of actions and reactions throughout a soul's reincarnated lives forming a cycle of rebirth.

From my perspective, karma is NOT a universal reward-punishment system maintained by some clairvoyant and omnipotent high power, nor is it a personal balance sheet where one's debit and credit is tracked.

Karma, in Hinduism, literally means "action" or "deed".  When we take actions (including intangible actions such as thinking/emotions etc), we are, in the mean time, not only creating effects, but also creating an environment and, in turn, future.  The outcome of it, might seem random at times, but statistically, it's probably significantly predictable.

A digression.  The positive take from it, I think, is as what Gandhi said to "be the change you want to see in the world".  A fairy tale goes like this : one person feels very frustrated that wherever he goes it rains, and later on it turns out that he is the rain God.  In real life, we see people complaining that wherever he goes he has a bad boss and unfriendly peers.  We see people always dating somebody who are abusive.  I think when we feel the whole world is wrong, or same thing goes wrong all the time, chances are that we are the very cause that's sabotaging our own world.

OK, back to Karma.  Quote Joe, my favorite teacher in Shambhala meditation center : "karma does not mean to punish you, but to give you a chance to understand others and empathize".

Many of us tend to be judgmental, including myself.  When we perceive differences (between oneself and the target, or between one's ideal standards and the target's behavior), the easiest thing to do is to pass judgments and appear to be technically or morally superior.  I personally did not stop committing that sin until karma put me under circumstances where I used to judge others.  At this moment, I am reminded of what Yan once told me "he/she is no more, nor less" (than yourself).

Buddhism in my eyes (I) - religion?

I have only touched the most superficial level of Buddhism, yet I have been impressed deeply by the profoundness and merciful nature of it.  At the same time I also observed many misunderstandings around, which I hope to briefly discuss.  I am certainly no expert yet.

I personally do not think Buddhism is a religion (well, religion is hard to define. Clifford Geertz simply called it a "cultural system". But I think religion has a superhuman element), but a philosophy, because Buddhism is non-theist and non-metaphysical.  And even though it is no doubt a philosophy, Buddhism is much less concerned with moral and ethics, but with wisdom - not the wisdom to leave behind the material world, but the wisdom to see how we are habitually clinging to the impermanent phenomena.

Buddha was not super-natural, nor super human, nor God, but a prince who got enlightened under the Bodhi Tree, i.e. he came to understand the essence of life and suffering and became enthusiastic about spreading his philosophy in hope to mitigate/rid suffering of humans.

Buddhism teaching intends to reveal to people the innate Buddha nature of oneself and one only needs to discover it by dusting it off.  Buddhism does not worship Gods.  Buddha himself said "worship nobody but the wisdom he teaches".  Buddhists are encouraged to respect teachers (Buddha), because that is good karma (I will discuss karma next).

Buddhism is not institutionalized, which is the way many other major religions adopt.  One does not have to carry out a number of rituals or follow many rules or pay an annual fee to become a member of the club.  One does not need to swear allegiance and exclusivity to the club either.  One only needs to believe in the four seals (to be discussed later) to be a Buddhist.  Also, you probably have never seen anybody on the streets or in a subway station giving out pamphlets to try to convert you into a Buddhist.  And you probably have not heard of any war that was initiated by Buddhists in the name of Buddha or justice, nor to purge different point of views.

Do You Have Free Will? Yes, It’s the Only Choice

Thus spoke JZ :

This article might not have attracted much of my attention, had it not been for a brief conversation I had with Jeff not long ago.  Then randomly I mentioned one annoying observation I had that more and more men have learned to borrow one "research result on evolution" to defend their often unethical bahavior : male animals need to spread their genes as widely as possible, so for millions of years we guys are genetically wired to want to have as many female partners as possible - it (cheating and the like) is not our fault.  Without even expecting him to make any comments, I heard him replying promptly : " I believe in free will.  We all have control over our behavior".  I have said nothing more about it with him ever since.  But that went deep into my heart.  I think the beauty of dealing with a beautiful soul is not only feeling safe, but also feeling elevated.  To free will, and to those who believe in it.

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“Free will guides people’s choices toward being more moral and better performers,” Dr. Vohs said. “It’s adaptive for societies and individuals to hold a belief in free will, as it helps people adhere to cultural codes of conduct that portend healthy, wealthy and happy life outcomes.

[Full Text : http://www.nytimes.com/2011/03/22/science/22tier.html?_r=1]

Getting inside the mind, Making the right decisions

...
In his fascinating study of the unconscious mind and its impact on our lives, David Brooks uses this story to illustrate how the conscious mind learns to subdue the unconscious. This is not a question of iron will, but about developing habits and strategies that trigger helpful processes in the unconscious, rather than unproductive ones. What matters is to learn to perceive property, people or situations in ways that reduce the temptation to lie, to steal or behave in a self-destructive way. ...  Study after study, many of them little known, show that people take decisions about their jobs, relationships, actions and morals in ways that involve a complex interaction between the conscious and the unconscious mind. The most important decisions begin in the realm of the unconscious, although they are often influenced by the conscious.
...
What does all this mean for public policy? Mr Brooks complains that policies too frequently rely on an overly simplistic, rationalist view of human nature. That may be true, but all too many daft policies rely on the collective reluctance of the voters to leave marshmallows uneaten on the table. More to the point, how can a country curb crime, create true equality and reduce the social and economic costs of bad decisions? Education systems exist mainly to build the rational mind, and yet the decisions that are most important in making people happy are the ones in which reason plays little or no part: the development of friendships and the choice of a spouse. Public policy has largely ignored this.

[Full Article : http://www.economist.com/node/18276096?story_id=18276096]

Go Easy on Yourself

...self-compassion is not to be confused with self-indulgence or lower standards.
...
The research suggests that giving ourselves a break and accepting our imperfections may be the first step toward better health.
...
“Self-compassion is really conducive to motivation,” Dr. Neff said.

[Full Article : http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/02/28/go-easy-on-yourself-a-new-wave-of-research-urges/?src=me&ref=homepage]

The Experience Economy

It could be that in an industrial economy people develop a materialist mind-set and believe that improving their income is the same thing as improving their quality of life. But in an affluent information-driven world, people embrace the postmaterialist mind-set. They realize they can improve their quality of life without actually producing more wealth. ...
...
Many of this era’s technological breakthroughs produce enormous happiness gains, but surprisingly little additional economic activity.
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For the past few decades, Americans have devoted more of their energies to postmaterial arenas and less and less, for better and worse, to the sheer production of wealth.
During these years, commencement speakers have urged students to seek meaning and not money. Many people, it turns out, were listening.

[Full Article : http://www.nytimes.com/2011/02/15/opinion/15brooks.html?src=me&ref=homepage]

Serious in Singapore

Singapore probably has the freest market in the world; it doesn’t believe in import tariffs, minimum wages or unemployment insurance. But it believes regulators need to make sure markets work properly — because they can’t on their own — and it subsidizes homeownership and education to give everyone a foundation to become self-reliant. Singapore copied the German model that strives to put everyone who graduates from high school on a track for higher education, but only about 40 percent go to universities. Others are tracked to polytechnics or vocational institutes, so the vast majority graduate with the skills to get a job, whether it be as a plumber or a scientist.
...
Explained Ravi Menon, the Permanent Secretary of Singapore’s Ministry of Trade and Industry: “The two ‘isms’ that perhaps best describe Singapore’s approach are: pragmatism — an emphasis on what works in practice rather than abstract theory; and eclecticism — a willingness to adapt to the local context best practices from around the world.”
It is a sophisticated mix of radical free-market and nanny state that requires sophisticated policy makers to implement, which is why politics here is not treated as sports or entertainment. Top bureaucrats and cabinet ministers have their pay linked to top private sector wages, so most make well over $1 million a year, and their bonuses are tied to the country’s annual G.D.P. growth rate. It means the government can attract high-quality professionals and corruption is low.

[Full Article : http://www.nytimes.com/2011/01/30/opinion/30friedman.html?src=me&ref=general]

Choosing Self-Esteem Over Sex or Pizza

“The idea has been that if we build their self-esteem, then they’ll do better in school and in relationships,” said Dr. Twenge, the “Narcissism Epidemic” author. “Well, that puts the cart before the horse. When you break down the research you see that kids who behave well and get high grades develop high self-esteem — not the other way around.”

[Full Article :
http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/01/11/choosing-self-esteem-over-sex-or-pizza/]

Amy Chua Is a Wimp

...Managing status rivalries, negotiating group dynamics, understanding social norms, navigating the distinction between self and group — these and other social tests impose cognitive demands that blow away any intense tutoring session or a class at Yale. ... reading each others’ emotions ... Participating in a well-functioning group is really hard. It requires the ability to trust people outside your kinship circle, read intonations and moods, understand how the psychological pieces each person brings to the room can and cannot fit together....  Where do they learn how to manage people? Where do they learn to construct and manipulate metaphors? Where do they learn to perceive details of a scene the way a hunter reads a landscape? Where do they learn how to detect their own shortcomings? Where do they learn how to put themselves in others’ minds and anticipate others’ reactions?

... in some important ways the school cafeteria is more intellectually demanding than the library....

[Full Article : http://www.nytimes.com/2011/01/18/opinion/18brooks.html?src=me&ref=general]

When Self-Knowledge Is Only the Beginning

I realized then that I am pretty good at treating clinical misery with drugs and therapy, but that bringing about happiness is a stretch. Perhaps happiness is a bit like self-esteem: You have to work for both. So far as I know, you can’t get an infusion of either one from a therapist.

[Full Article : http://www.nytimes.com/2011/01/18/health/views/18mind.html?src=me&ref=general]

What Unites and Divides

Thus spoke JZ :

Elisa Waters, the teacher featured in this article, was on the panel I attended yesterday, the theme of which is anti bullying and cyber-bullying.  As a single adult who grew up outside of US, I was definately a minority among the audience.  However, ever since this issue aroused my interest a few years ago, I have not ceased the efforts to know more about it.  Needless to say this society has failed to address this pervasive problem for way too long, and we have been witnessing terrible consequences. 

The very persisting existence of this phenomenon relies on the fact that we adults (administrators, teachers, parents) will not do much about it, as believed by both the bullies and the vicitims.  Many people even think it is an inevitable part of adolescent life which might "help build characters".

According to research, those schools that have clearly stated anti-bullying policies already have reduced bullying cases; if there is someone, adult or kids' peer, who stands up to stop it, the chance of it happening is reduced by 1/3 to 1/2.  So there are many things we can do to help youth so they can feel safe to go to school every day.  This article tells a very promising example to "build acceptance, awareness and appreciation that people may be different than you".

This issue certainly derserves more attention and I will write more in the future.


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“We can feel stronger going back to our hallways,” the teacher, Elisa Weidenbaum Waters, said, “going back to our homes, going back to our society, and saying: ‘You know what? What you said is a stereotype, and that’s not cool.’
...
This year, Jericho, a high-performing district, is offering an unusual elective for its middle-school students that channels the soul-searching and team-building activities of a diversity workshop into a yearlong class for credit. The course, which focuses on diversity, “will have you actively thinking about everything from food through language in a way you may never have before as we learn about what unites and divides all of us, and why,” a description said.
“What I’m looking to do,” said Ms. Waters, 40, who has long been active in social causes, “is build acceptance, awareness and appreciation that people may be different than you.”
...
As a group, the students have become unusually close.  “I know thousands of things about every single person in this class,” said Sam Newman, 13, an eighth grader. “We’re learning how to make the world a more connected place.”

[Full Article: http://www.nytimes.com/2010/10/23/nyregion/23metjournal.html]