Measure of life (IV) - ignorance can be bliss

When I was born, ten years of Chinese Culture Revolution just ended. China was pretty much at the brink of getting rotten. Most commoners literally were living next to nothing. I grew up with very limited material and intellectual resources, despite the fact that I was the only child in the family. I was ignorant, without a doubt, and I was a happy kid. I was happy because I was doing well in school. I was happy that I could help my parents with house work so they could do less. I was happy that we were doing better than many of our neighbors because my parents are very smart and hardworking. I do not remember anything that really bothered me: no toys, no books, no cute dresses, not knowing anything about the big world - hey, I did not know why I needed those, or perhaps I even did not know the existence of those, so I was not bothered. How lucky I was to be ignorant under that circumstance! Ignorance is bliss, indeed.  

With me continuously doing well in school, not surprisingly I kept walking into a bigger and bigger world. Nothing was planned, because I did not have the necessary vision to plan anything this "grand", nor did my parents. Again, ignorance is bliss - Without either my parents or myself or anybody in the world expecting me to achieve much, I never had much of a pressure, but only constantly reap pleasant surprises that I actually could do better.  

Luckily that I grew up in China where schools actually value academic performance, and I did not need to dodge flying daggers such as drugs, bullies, teen sex, racial / background discrimination, so on and so forth. To be honest, I was not even aware of those prevalent school issues in US until not too long ago. Call me ignorant. And I am happy I was.

Because I was a good kid, I was always appointed/elected a major student leader. Starting from very early on I was given the opportunities to (oh that's too rosy a description - I confess many times "was pushed to" suits the reality better) deliver a speech in front of the whole school, to command group exercises, to participate debate teams, to run a school broadcast station, to run a student government, to make up rules, to pull together a basketball team and a soccer team out of the only 11 girls in my class,... so I did not become a typical nerd.  

At the same time, I enjoyed good relationship with many people, and I helped many with my wide-spread connections. More importantly, I have always been satisfied with myself that I have been ethical, honest, and generous. In terms of money, I am rarely concerned. With my upbringing, I know I do not need much to survive and I do not need luxury although that is good to have; with my competency, I never worry that I would not be able to make a living.  The fore-mentioned three conditions, I think, are pivotal in determining most people's happiness level. Well, sometimes I did lament that I was not as pretty as I desired.  However, I often had admirers who were either the most handsome and/or the most competent, so with that little vanity as compensation, it was easy to shrug off my dissatisfaction with my looks, not to even mention that I actually was not enthusiastic at all about dating until really late.

My friend Y, when discussing happiness, said that "it's delta that matters, not the absolute value". Delta, is a mathematical jargon, means difference. In this context, there is delta between reality and expectation, delta between now and before, and delta between one and one's neighbors. I agree, that's a fact for many people, and many times, that's also the very fact that put us into the abyss of unhappiness, which will be elaborated in later chapters.

Nonetheless, I was pumped quite high in spirit by all three deltas : I was doing better than my expectation, I was doing better every day than the previous day, and as far as my then limited world spaned, I was doing better than most of my peers.

With me going through one of the best high schools and one of the best universities in China, it's a bit surprising that all the intellectual pain attacks pretty much shunned clear by at least a 3-mile radius from me, although I read and felt "blue" sometimes. Not a single reason occurred to me to cause serious unhappiness. I, today, do not know what to comment on that. Yes, that was ignorant happiness existing on the fact that I did not know more. But honestly I doubt I would beg to alter such a nice and easy period, to suffer more in order to deepen and enrich myself. If, if there were if's in life, that could last forever, I would no doubt be a princess in the fairy tale of "living happily every after".

However, nature has its own way to unfold things, and perhaps we humans are genetically wired to break fairy tales of that sort.

Measure of life (III) - is ignorance bliss?

What is ignorant happiness?

Without knowing the truth (truth is often complicated and less than beautiful), one is less bothered by the imperfect realities, one has less desire for more, or one can fabricate any fantasy to serve one's ends, hence easier to be happy.  Just like most children.

Intelligence = counter-happiness?

For that reason, many people, for example Lisa Simpson, concluded that “As intelligence goes up, happiness goes down. See, I made a graph. I make lots of graphs.” [The Simpsons, episode 257]

When I had a chat with my boss as I suffered the "intermittent intellectual pain attack", he admitted that he could reckon.  When I mentioned Noam Chomsky for some reason, he commented that "how painful the life must be for intellectuals such as Noam Chomsky and Bernard Russell".  At that moment I could not help empathizing with their deep-to-marrow sort of pain - although today I would be wary of this kind of generalization.

Out of sheer intellectual curiosity, I interviewed quite a few people.  It seems to me people are more or less confused.  On one hand, it does appear that those who do not know as much look happier.  But on the other hand, all that I talked to would choose to know more, if there is such an option.  If happiness is what we are after as a major character for a "good" life, and knowing more seems to destroy happiness or at least reduce it, then why, oh why, we want to drive ourselves into a less "good" life?!  Are we all masochists?!  Oh, how can I pass on such an interesting dilemma without delving into it.  So delve deep I did and hence this writing.

I will neither argue for, nor argue against that view point, because I think intelligence is not the very relevant variable here on this chart.  Rather, wisdom should take its place.  I am pretty confident that wisdom (if it can be measured properly) is a statistically significant factor, and the curve then will flip - flip around x axis or y axis still depends on my further research ;-) .  Intelligence and wisdom sound like twins, but I do not think so.

So the motif of my thesis is : wisdom is bliss.  Ignorance can be bliss, only when people are ignorant of their ignorance, which sometimes is indeed a blissful thing; wisdom, which differs from intelligence, leads to more mindful and sustainable happiness, and that requires skills to manage, hence I call it "skillful happiness".  And anything in between could put one on a big swing : one day in heaven and the next in hell, and that is often completely at the mercy of the God.

Measure of life (II) - two regimes

Joy, or happiness, has often been the common character of a "good" life, no matter to ancient Egyptians, or to Aristotle, or to probably most of us.

For thousands of years, countless many people have been pondering on this word, have been searching beyond and within for it, have been exerting trial-and-error efforts to understand it, and yet here we are, today, still baffled and battered every now and then.

Reading the ethics chapter of any philosophy book will give you a good summary of the views from many great minds, hence I just want to share something personal.

I am one of the happier gals, the fact of which, I believe, will be nodded at by most people around me.  In the domain of happiness, my days so far can be divided into two major regimes : "ignorant happiness" (or "blind happiness"), and "skillful happiness".

Accidently, coming to America 10 years ago denotes the watershed between those two regimes.  Don't get me wrong.  It's not like there are monsters and wolves in US.  If I am asked of a question that "what is the best thing that has ever happened to you", my answer, without hesitation, will be "come to America".  I think it's that dramatic change of environment catalyzed a quake that shattered the unsound foundation of my spiritual world.  And I am 120% glad that it happened that way instead of paining me through a slow death.  About 1.5 years ago, I started to have this delightful feeling that finally a butterfly had morphed successfully from a caterpillar, or that a phoenix had risen from ashes... I could smell spring everyday, and I had never been that live - not because I did something majestic or became a big shot, but because I felt I found, not without pain, joy, and the path leading to it - this time it's a different kind of joy, more mindful, more sustainable, and more sophisticated.  It has been a profound and life-changing experience.

Measure of life (I) - preface

I am certainly not claiming I under measure of life, and I am perfectly aware that different people adopt different measure, which is, and should be, everybody's freedom as long as one does not infringe others' rights. And I have no interest in judging what is better, but to share my two cents and perhaps to get some echos as well as different voices from generous readers.


“You know, the ancient Egyptians had a beautiful belief about death. When their souls got to the entrance to heaven, the guards asked two questions.  Their answers determined whether they were able to enter or not. ‘Have you found joy in your life?’, and 'Has your life brought joy to others?’”
                                                                               - from the movie <Bucket List>


I quite like it.


Searching for the purpose of life and finding means to better one's (and others') life probably have puzzled many aspiring and curious minds, including mine.  And I think it's a lifetime project, also a fun and intellectually stimulating project.  At least for now,  I think these two questions from ancient Egyptian culture seem quite spot-on.  And inspired by that, I will venture on writing about my experiences and views on this topic.

China vs India : who has a better chance for economic growth

I would never have written such a post had I not come across a post on a forum (gplus.com) listing 10 advantages that India has over China for 21 century economic growth.  So the following text is an adaptation of my response to that list.


Out of the list, I find only 3 worth discussing, although they are still not the fundamental drive of competency, according to my opinion :


1) India's resource consumption has decreased for every incremental dollar of GDP since 1991 (as against China, which was using three times more resources per dollar of GDP than India).
2) India is in a very sweet demographic spot, being the youngest country in the world: half a billion Indians are less than twenty- five years old, giving it a unique 'demographic dividend' among peers.
3) Its judicial system is robustly based on English common law. It's a genuine, albeit imperfect, democracy.


My response :


1. Cost of GDP. A quick look at the composition of both countries economy will tell you that India is focused on service (Service : fluctuating around 50% of GDP; industry : around 25-30% of GDP, and employs less than 20% of the workforce; agriculture : around 30%, but employs 60% of the workforce) while China has a more balanced distribution between service and industry (service : industry : agriculture = 43 : 47 : 10). Of course a call center will incur lower cost than a steel company. In case of the tail risk that the west alienates both countries, guess who will survive better?

2. Demography.

-Younger population is good, as long as they produce enough to reach beyond supporting themselves. If a big portion of them are hungry and (semi-) unemployed, it's hard to justify glorifying a big (young) population. In that, as the only-child in my family, I personally respect China for making a responsible sacrifice, while India cannot feed its biggest population.  If a bigger young population is unconditionally advantageous, come on, it's not like Indians are better at giving birth than Chinese are.  Not to even mention that China has more natural resources such as land and water to accommodate a bigger population.

-As a direct benefit of a one-child policy, the new generation of Chinese has a astronomically better opportunity in terms education and health than the older ones. Needless for me to prove that it's productivity that matters, not population. A smaller educated and healthy population might be more collectively productive than a bigger but uneducated and under-nutrition-ed one.

-Assume everything goes well in China : economy is booming, and opportunities ample for young people. Hey, maybe young Indians and other young Asians want to immigrate to China. We have been seeing more and more young Indian faces already in Beijing and Shanghai - people "vote with feet". Assuming there is not such a splendid future, many people do not have a job anyway, and it's safer to have a lot of old "unemployed" than young ones.

-a 60 years old today is not the same as a 60 years old in 20 years. Many 60 years olds might want to work in 20 years.

-With technology advance, fewer people need to work, people need to work for fewer hours, and work is less labor intensive.


3. Whether democracy is superior in terms of promoting production, it's in fact quite debatable. What matters for economic boom, I think, is economic freedom. They might be correlated, but not the same (Singapore is a good example).

Both nations' recent development are very respectable, and obviously both are not without problems. There is a huge essay I can write about this topic but I can comfortably drop most of my arguments because I think they, as well as most of the above, are just scratching the surface of the problem. I think the most fundamental (economic) competition edge for any nation relies upon economic freedom (including but not limited to rule of law) and education, with the former significantly depending upon the latter. Both India and China cannot boast on either. So if there is a race between India and China, it's a race of education. Just like neither big nation can organize a competent soccer team, population also does not correlate with economic success; a disorganized and disengaged big population only creates chaos - a younger population creates a more severe chaos in that case, for the obvious reasons.

Travel (II) - Europe 6 - Athens Day 0

Click here to view some pictures in Athens

In Brussels' airport while waiting for my flight to Athens, I had a chance to chat with a handsome Greek gentleman. He reviewed my top-10-things-to-do-in-Athens list, and gave me more practical and more detailed advices.

A digression.  He was doing his PhD in psychology in UK, with a research focus on lie detecting for forensic purpose.  Due to my long held interest in psychology, he instantly intrigued me.  I asked for some elaboration on this topic.  The first point he made was to "ignore body language completely".  He said according to research, the correct prediction based on body language was no more than 50%, i.e. a random guess.  The hype of deciphering people based on body language was pretty much a US FBI product.  I was glad to learn all these as I personally did not believe body language analysis based on my own experience.  When I asked how to detect lies, he said to ask many open questions and to see if that person elaborates and if the details make sense.  That instantly reminded me of one of my favorite movies "the lives of the others" where an East German secret policeman used a similar scheme to interrogate people, but with torture.  He laughed and said that's definitely his favorite movie too.  But in UK, the evidence collected through such kind of inhuman interrogation would not be admitted in courts.  He then asked about my PhD research and my current job.  I answered with carefully organized details :-P.  Later he mentioned that he used to major in dentistry and actually practiced for a while, and decided that's not for him, then he started from scratch in psychology.  Fascinating.

He mentioned to me that Aegean airline offers good meals.  That turned out to be true.  Meal on the flight was quite Greek and delicious : pasta with octopus, hummus with coarse texture (the most delicious hummus I had had), and the dessert was a Greek special sweet made from sesame with coca.

It was a short flight of 3 hours from Brussels to Athens.  I was busy writing my blog so did not even notice it before I arrived.  Read about the scoundrel taxi drivers in Athens, also got that "rumor" confirmed by the new friend I made as well as some airport staff, and it was past midnight in Athens time, I dared not to take a taxi from the airport to the city center.  The Metro was also closed at that late hour.  So I opted to take a bus to city center and then to take a taxi to my lodging place - Athena's friend offered us a newly decorated apartment in the center of Athens.  

With all my curiosity about and admiration for mythical Greek civilization and splendid Greek culture, I did not want to close my eyes for one second on the bus, even though that was already past 1 am local time.  I was amused when I saw so many mathematical symbols, sigma, lambda, theta, epsilon..., were part of the store names - "now we know where math was from".  However, what I saw along the streets were less than glamourous - it looked like some corny suburban towns in China.  At the beginning I thought that was only in the remote areas, but when I got off in the city center, nothing looked like a modern city, nor a historical city.  Hmm... 

Even though the taxi ride was short, I guess I could call the driver a scoundrel.  Anyway, it was late at night, and he was kind of old, I did not want to argue but to treat it as a charity.

Athena was already in Athens and she was kindly waiting for my arrival.  Her friend George, who provided lodging for us, was a wealthy ship-owner.  Even though I knew that was a spare apartment of his, my imagination about the condition of the building definately had gone beyond what I saw.  It was an old-looking apartment building.  The elevator seemed like from last millenium.  One would have to open the elevator door like opening a house door by literally pulling the knob.  And it ran with a huge noise.  The interior of the apartment itself was well decorated very recently and nothing that we would complain about.  So, what kind of city is Athens?  I was wondering before I passed out in bed...

Travel (II) - Europe 5 - Brussels, Belgium

Click here to view some pictures in Brussels

April 18th, Monday.  Last day in Belgium before I head out to Greece.  Solo tour for me again.  A few people mentioned before that Brussels is sort of boring compared to many other European cities.  That was quite contradictory with my original imagination of a garden city covered by flower carpet.  It turned out that the splendid flower carpet show is only up once every two years in an even numbered year, and only during the third week of August.  So I was totally going to miss it. 

Belgium is the capital of Flanders, Belgium, and Europe.  It houses the headquarter of EU and NATO.  I did not bother to identify which building is which in the neighborhood of the royal palace and congress, except for the fore-mentioned two.  However, the grandeur and formalness and conservativeness of those buildings kind of suggested that Brussels is a political center in Europe.  

Before heading out to the #1 tourist attraction Grand Place (or Grote Markt as in Dutch), I rested a bit in the big park right in front of the royal palace.  It's obviously a beloved leisure place by locals where I could see people jogging, kids playing, and many baby trolleys.  

Grand Place had a less than glamourous beginning.  It was just a swampy sand-bank between two brooks, known as "broek sella" which gave Brussels its name.  The sand bank was turned into a market and sold French and English textiles, French wines, and German beer.  In the Middle Ages wooden houses were built around the market and by 14th century wealthy families took to building stone mansions which led to the market developing into the main commercial administrative centre.  The Gothic Town Hall (Hotel de Ville) came in 1402 and by now it was also a political center. 

Many have admired the beauty of the Grand Place, wide open cobbled square, surrounded by elegant guildhouses.  I was also impressed by the grandeur of it and the decorativeness.  However, I was not charmed by the style of the decor. 

The side streets were full of souvenir stores, cafes, and restaurants.  Belgium is known for chocolates, waffles, beers, and Manneken Pis, the "Pissing Boy", or "Little Julian".  All were in the vicinity.  

The chubby-cheeked bronze statute of Manneken Pis, created in the 17th century by Jerome Duquesnoy, embodies the irreverent spirit of Brussels.  Although only 60cm in height, he is probably Brussels' most photographed statue.  That day he was stark-naked as usual.  But sometimes he gets dressed.  In fact he has an impressive wardrobe of 600 outfits displayed in the Maison du Roi (or Broodhuis as in Dutch, Royal Art Museum).

I bought a big waffle with dart chocolate, and sat among hundreds on the shoulder of the square in Grand Place.  Pretty nice!

Hoping to do some shopping in the local antique market as well as to buy some chocolates in some well praised shops, I headed to Place du Grand Sablon.  To my disappointment, the antique market is only open on Sundays.  However, it's a nice casual place with lots of cafes where locals like to hang out.  Right away I saw Wittamer, a recommended chocolate place that offers a tearoom experience.  I ordered a dessert and a hot chocolate, savoring while sun-bathing.  A little blond girl, probably 4 years old, came over to play with me, showing off her little duck and easter eggs, posing for my pictures, and trying to take pictures for me.  Although we did not share a common language, I had a good company.  When I stood up to leave, she dived into my arms, hugged me tightly and insisted to give me a kiss.  Such a sweet heart. :-)

Regretfully, I did not find the famous chocolate store Pierre Marcolini (39 Place Du Grand Sablon) for their exceptional displays.  Athena later confirmed that it was really beautiful.  I did not care enough to look for it with efforts.  Oh well, next time.

Another regret is that the comic strip museum was closed on Monday.  It's said that Belgium has more comic strip artists per square kilometer than any other country.  Maybe I'll be better off to first read some comic books about Tin Tin, Belgium's famous cartoon character hero, before my visit next time.  I remember B was reading them.  Bummer that I did not pay much attention.

Brussels seems to be the transportation hub in Western Europe.  It seems to have more railway stations than any other cities, and it's well connected by rail to the rest of Western Europe.  I also find its airport probably one of the largest that I have seen.   With my heavy backpack, I was tired out when I eventually reached my gate for the flight to Athens.  And I am sure that I walked the longest distance on the moving walk-way.

Travel (II) - Europe 5 - Luxembourg

Click here to view some pictures in Luxembourg

April 17th, Sunday.  Another solo day for me.  After quite much hesitation between destinations such as Antwerp, Ghent, Luxembourg, and even Paris, I decided to go to Luxembourg.  It was my original choice due to my curiosity about it's unique terrain and it's the third smallest country in Europe.  However, the night before I found it takes a 3-hour train ride to get there.  Hoping that I might be able to sleep or read on the train, I decided to do it anyway.

Took an 8:30 am train from Midi station, slept most of my way there.  At the information desk in Luxembourg train station, I saw a single Asian girl who was asking for tourist info too, with limited English.  She was from Korea.  I suggested we team up and she agreed.  It turned out to be a good idea even though she did not speak much English.  We had fun, she did more research about where to go and what to see, and I had most pictures taken that day for myself :-)

Do you know what is "beauty fatigue"?  It's a phrase originated from a Chinese comedy movie, meaning after a while one gets used to the beauty he/she sees and stops appreciating it (In the movie, it particularly refers to when a man eventually gets tired of his woman, no matter how good looking she is).  

From the beginning of my trip till that day, I had been amazed by the wonderful things that I saw everyday for a whole week already.  It's different everywhere, but the places that I visited do share many common features especially when it comes to architecture.  I was afraid that I might have "beauty fatigue" problem soon.  Well, a visit to Luxembourg broke that trend!  It's unique 3-D terrain, with gigantic valley and long, long bridges, is completely refreshing and engaging.

Luxembourg is diminutive - 57km wide and 82km long - and is sandwiched between Belgium, Germany, and France.  In 963, a count called Sigefroi (or Siegfried, Count of Ardennes) built a castle on a promontory in the forested heart of Western Europe.  So were laid the foundations of present-day capital of Luxembourg.  The strategically placed and fortified city was much sought after.  Besieged, devastated, and rebuilt 20 times in 400 years, Sigefroi's original castle grew to become Europe's second-strongest fortress and earned the nickname "Gibraltar of the North".

Walking from the central railway station to the city center, we first encountered the famous Adolph Bridge, the unofficial national symbol, with a total length of 153 meters, clearance below 42 meters.  The bridge is not over a water body, but a huge valley.  Looking around on the bridge, one will see beautiful houses embedded in thick greens in the valley, and various unique architecture on highland.  Walking down to the valley into a park, one can even smell the beautiful spring.  The Korean girl, M, offered to share her lunch with me.  So we sat on a bench under trees, at the bottom of the bridge.  It's quiet and peaceful.  Small flowers were blooming prosperously.  Various birds were chirping.  It felt like an outer world.  From chatting, I learned that M was at her mid twenties, working as a medical technician in Soul.  She was in her 6 months vacation, which was awarded after working for 4 years - what a privilege.  She took this opportunity to participate some voluntary activities in Belgium to help kids.  She did the same thing before in Japan.  She said Euro was too expensive for her.  

We then walked around the city center to see Notre Dame Church, Place Guillaume II (William Square) where Hotel de ville (Town Hall) is located, and Place d'Armes, an open space where people gather, sitting in front of a cafe and listening to live music.  We took a seat in Le Francais, and ordered some crepe and apricot juice. Beautiful sunshine.  Relaxing surroundings.  M was happy too and found everything special.  She said she never had crepe before.  And it's her first time to make friends when she travels on her own.  

Our next destination was the very foundation of Luxembourg, called Rocher du Bock (Bock Promontory).  My understanding is that is the on-the-ground part of (the remain of) the fortress.  It overlooks extremely beautiful terrains.  Near side, it's C.C.R.N. Centre de Rencontre Culturel Abbaye de Neumunster, a square of light yellow houses with a tall and tippy attic as normally seen in a church.  A river quietly flowing around it.  Further, there is huge viaduct spanning the entire country over valleys and connecting highlands.  Another side, it's multiple-altitude construction of buildings along the natural hill, which embraces the valley.  A stunning scenery that I had never seen before.  

Casemates du Bock, neighboring Rocher du Bock, was a very well preserved and large scale underground tunnel, which, I am pretty sure, was for military purpose.  It was fun to get lost in the underground maze, where one may find look-outs here and there, and a few canons on display.    

It took us quite a while to play around there.  M had to run for an earlier train back to Belgium, so we bid each other farewell there.

Walking to the east, I reached a really wonderful part of the city with historical museums and nice streets with small cafes.  It's called Grund.  The multi-altitude structure was even more exaggerated in that area.  One can walk up and down, along and on the thick old-brick wall or viaduct.  I was amazed.  This extra dimension in the terrain no doubt adds a lot of charm and fun.

There are many other points of interest that I will be happy to visit should I have more time.  And I did not get a chance to see they history museum.  Also, it was a weekend right before the Easter, the city of Luxembourg was quite empty, just as in Brussels, where a taxi driver told us that only 1 million people remained in the city out of 5 million population.  He said most people have a vacation house in the suburb. 

Sitting on the train back to Brussels, I was quite happy with the decision that I made.  It's an excursion worth venturing.

Five golden rules for finding your life partner

Thus spoke J.Z. :

This is an article I encountered a couple of years ago.  A successful long term relationship probably takes a lot of ingredients to brew.  And it might work differently for different couples.  However, I find these 5 golden rules being very sensible and I have been trying to remember them and implement them in real life.  Want to share this good piece of advice with my friends -

================

A relationships coach lays out his 5 golden rules for evaluating the prospects of long-term marital success.

When it comes to making the decision about choosing a life partner, no one wants to make a mistake. Yet, with a divorce rate of close to 50 percent, it appears that many are making serious mistakes in their approach to finding Mr./Ms. Right! If you ask most couples who are engaged why they’re getting married, they’ll say: “We’re in love.”

I believe is the #1 mistake people make when they date. Choosing a life partner should never be based on love. Though this may sound not politically correct, there’s a profound truth here.

Love is not the basis for getting married. Rather, love is the result of a good marriage. When the other ingredients are right, then the love will come.

Let me say it again: You can’t build a lifetime relationship on love alone. You need a lot more. Here are five questions you must ask yourself if you’re serious about finding and keeping a life partner.

QUESTION #1:

Do we share a common life purpose?

Why is this so important? Let me put it this way: If you’re married for 20 or 30 years, that’s a long time to live with someone. What do you plan to do with each other all that time? Travel, eat and jog together? You need to share something deeper and more meaningful. You need a common life purpose.

Two things can happen in a marriage. You can grow together, or you can grow apart. 50 percent of the people out there are growing apart. To make a marriage work, you need to know what you want out of life bottom line-and marry someone who wants the same thing.

QUESTION #2:


Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and thoughts with this person?

This question goes to the core of the quality of your relationship. Feeling safe means you can communicate openly with this person. The basis of having good communication is trust – i.e. trust that I won’t get “punished” or hurt for expressing my honest thoughts and feelings. A colleague of mine defines an abusive person as someone with whom you feel afraid to express your thoughts and feelings.

Be honest with yourself on this one. Make sure you feel emotionally safe with the person you plan to marry.

QUESTION #3:

Is he/she a mensch?

A mensch is someone who is a refined and sensitive person. How can you test? Here are some suggestions. Do they work on personal growth on a regular basis? Are they serious about improving themselves? A teacher of mine defines a good person as “someone who is always striving to be good and do the right thing.”

So ask about your significant other: What do they do with their time? Is this person materialistic? Usually a materialistic person is not someone whose top priority is character refinement. There are essentially two types of people in the world: People who are dedicated to personal growth and people who are dedicated to seeking comfort. Someone whose goal in life is to be comfortable will put personal comfort ahead of doing the right thing. You need to know that before walking down the aisle.

QUESTION #4:

How does he/she treat other people?

The one most important thing that makes any relationship work is the ability to give. By giving, we mean the ability to give another person pleasure.

Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to others or are they wrapped up in themselves and self-absorbed?

To measure this, think about the following: How do they treat people whom they do not have to be nice to, such as a waiters, bus boy, taxi driver, etc. How do they treat parents and siblings? Do they have gratitude and appreciation? If they don’t have gratitude for the people who have given them everything, you cannot expect that they’ll have gratitude for you –who can’t do nearly as much for them! Do they gossip and speak badly about others? Someone who gossips cannot be someone who loves others. You can be sure that someone who treats others poorly, will eventually treat you poorly as well.

QUESTION #5:

Is there anything I’m hoping to change about this person after we’re married?

Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone with the intention of trying to “improve” them after they’re married. As a colleague of mine puts it, “You can probably expect someone to change after marriage … for the worse!”

If you cannot fully accept this person the way they are now, then you are not ready to marry them.

In conclusion, dating doesn’t have to be difficult and treacherous. The key is to try leading a little more with your head and less with your heart. It pays to be as objective as possible when you are dating, to be sure to ask questions that will help you get to the key issues.

Falling in love is a great feeling, but when you wake up with a ring on your finger, you don’t want to find yourself in trouble because you didn’t do your homework.

My yoga teacher Kevin

**Yoga is not about twisting the body into a pretzel, but about raising self awareness and compassion.

Kevin is my favorite yoga teacher.  He teaches only once a week on our work site.  Without his inspiration I am not completely sure that I will be such a fervent yoga fan.

I have a lot of good things to say about his teaching.  He has a tremendous repertoire of poses and he picks a coherent set to teacher in one class.  And he adjusts combination of poses based on the class size too.  He then compiles them into a fluid sequence and mandates it at a comfortable pace.  This sounds like routine, but if one has experience with different classes, one will not take it for granted.

But what motivates me to write a post about him is not his capability of presenting a good sequences of yoga poses and governing it well, but his spirituality, his amazing characteristics, and his charity.

Practicing yoga without spirituality, to me, is like a pretty face without content in the brain.  And one can sense it right away without the help of x-ray.  Kevin has the aura of energy that all of us student benefit.  His class never fails to energize me up, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

The prevalent form of yoga classes in the western society is mostly physical.  Our classes too.  So he rarely gets any chance in class to talk much beyond the name of poses and instructions.  The spirituality is embodied in minor details in the instructions.  For example, at the final relaxation pr meditation, he would ask us to only watch our thoughts coming and going without judging, "you are not this body, you are not these thoughts, you are not this ego.  There is something mysterious, inexplainable, unfathomable, that is at some corner of you, waiting to be unfolded, filling you in with courage - no fear, compassion - to give somebody this indulgence, gratitude - how can we not be grateful for such abundance, and love - fearless love";  in Samasthiti (equal standing) he would say "be humble" when we need to have chin to chest; "stay in  the present, not the past, nor the future" when he corrects the warrior two pose when somebody either leans forward or backward; when it's a demanding pose, he'd guide us by saying "breathe your way through, with patience, rather than muscle your way through.  Send your breath to any tight spot, physical and mental"...  These simple philosophies work for me on the yoga mat and beyond.

His spirituality does not come in a stoic manner, in stead, he is quite a humorous teacher.  Somebody might step the left foot forward in a high lunge when his instruction demands the right foot, then he would playfully cup his hands around his mouth and broadcast the kind reminder"the other right foot, the other right foot";  when he introduced nagasana (serpent asana) to us, he suggested us to imagine how a serpent slithers, and because "serpent practice nagasana everyday so they do not have low back pain or tight hips"...

Before a class begins, he often asks what we want to focus on that day.  At the end of a class, we usually have 3-5 minutes to practice our favorite poses.  My favorite pose is Hanumanasana (sort of a front split, named after Hanuman, a divine entity in Indian epic Ramayana).  He once told me that my interest in that pose inspired him so he decided to practice it everyday for a few months.  A couple of months ago when he returned from a trip to India, he brought me a gift, Hanuman with Himalaya held on one hand and his club on another, painted on a piece of ceramic tile.  He encouraged me to keep up practicing.

Kevin has been involved in helping Indian kids to go to school.  He and his wife, together with another couple, have been not only offering financial aid, but also visiting the kids a couple of times a year.  He said they have to "bribe" kids' parents first so that the parents will release kids from labor work.  During the most recent visit in Indian, they successfully sent some girls to the school, first time in that area, in fact, to have girls in school.  He told me that it was by accident that he watched a documentary in MoMa then he decided to help.  As he himself mentioned, they are not rich.  The whole program costs them about 6,000 USD every year.  I guess that does not include flight tickets and other travel expenses.  I was quite touched by such amazing things that they have been doing for Indian kids.  I am personally extremely passionate about kids' education.  Such deeds have definitely inspired me great deal.

He organizes a group of yoga practitioners to go on that trip, couple of times per year.  Besides helping kids, they practice yoga.  He told me after his Feb trip that he was already booking tickets for his Nov trip, and he could not wait to go again.  He said he felt super charged each time from the trip.  His passion and optimism, as well as his big smile, are quite contagious.

I enjoy having a few minutes' of brief conversation with him after class, which could go all directions.  I guess he must be at his 50s, but I find that he is glowing youth and energy and hope every inch of his skin.  Compared to the option of spending my life with somebody at a young age but with a blank mind or a polluted mind, I'd prefer companionship from somebody like Kevin.